{Of Venus}

It feels a little bit like suffocating.

In these moments when I need peace of mind more than ever, and I just want to rest, that is when it hits me again.

I’ll never have that ideal, that thing that makes the world make sense, it feels like magic because it’s too good to be true. And then the void. And it’s too soon to fill it with a replacement. I don’t know that I even could. But I’ve lost myself now.

And I’ll never be that little girl who gets taken care of, and I’ll never have that same affection. Arms will never fit quite right around me. And it feels like suffocating.

What
The
Fuck

I just want someone to save me

Money is the root of all Opportunity :/

1.) Take Adderall (more frequently).

Focus more in school. keep up, and even read ahead. Meanwhile, things will be kept clean and organized, so less clutter, less to worry about, and more clarity. Eating will make the coming down easier to handle, and being less stressed about everything will help also. Most importantly though, my boyfriend will be there for me always, and coming down will never be hell when I remember how lucky I am to have him, and to be able to talk to him at the time. 

2.) Eat More (more frequently, healthier).

Eating more and generally taking care of myself physically will always be a priority. It will always better every other aspect of my life. I will not have to feel physically stressed or exhausted, which in and of itself is a blessing. And thereafter, I won’t be distracted by any physical bogging down, and I will be more physically fit to handle all of my obligations. And, in fact, I will have a much less limited range of capability. It is emotionally reassuring (and re-charging!).

3.) Make Money (lots of it.)

I will be more physically capable, and more focused, therefore more motivated (especially since I won’t be completely distracted by needing to focus on school, since I will already be more focused in that area). Unfortunately, opportunity can (for the most part) only be come by through money. If I want to spend my higher levels in college being able to properly invest myself into school (therefore my career and entire future), then I need to work more now, save up now, so I can have the opportunity to focus mainly on schooling down the line. The sooner I save up, the sooner I will be able to live life how I want - go to the best school for me, alongside my companion, in the environment I truly want to be in. And hey, maybe eventually buy a cheap-as-hell violin. Who knows. 

4.) Check, check, and re-check.
AKA
 Never let A.D.D. hold you back. (Never.)

You know how difficult it is to live with this disorder. And you have tried to not let it be your excuse and determine your quality of life. But here is where you do better than ever to compensate for your symptoms. Read the damn A.D.D. self help books. Always check and re-check yourself, to make sure you aren’t forgetting anything. Re-read instructions so you don’t miss a thing. Re-read chapters for study. Check e-mails constantly. Check to make sure you have everything you need to be prepared, in any situation. Check lists. Check phone. Check post-its. Check daily to make sure you keep up with school. Check budget. Always be aware. Then, nothing can stop you. 

5.) You are Capable of Anything. (Don’t ever forget.)

This is something you have always wanted to believe, but truly realized when your Dad showed it to you. He believes in you. And you see yourself in him, and see what all he has done and is still capable of doing. But you are not him. In many ways, you are much less bound and restrained than he is. You have the opportunity to choose and do whatever you want. And you’ve got that golden picture of your future. You know exactly what you want, and are aware of all the possibility for your life, for your future. 
You are sometimes easily influenced, but don’t let anyone else, or any life circumstance, tell you that you aren’t capable. Because this is intrinsic fact, something you know in your heart, and have always known. You make your own life. You are a creator.

1. Wake up late, feel sick and dizzy, end up missing classes.

2. Relax. Catch up on half a season of a recent tv show. on slow-as-fuck online hulu.

3. Stumble-Upon. Ugh.

4. Gather things to study, start to get into reading, suddenly get desire to work on old craft project. 

5. Decide to work on philosophy, go online to find powerpoint slides, make minimal progress, become suddenly worried about finances. Start reviewing budget, then get swept up in future plans.

6. Calculate entire cost for next year’s plans, figure out how much is needed to be saved, shit pants. 

7. Get through first section of study guide, after taking the time to make the plan outline for studying.

8. Decide to print study guide to continue by pencil, get caught up in socializing with roommate and guest.

9. Give in and take adderall.

10. Make tea. Then notice that the garbage is leaking. Take care of cats and take out lots of garbage. Clean dishes. Clean kitchen. Move contents of mini-fridge into main fridge. Tidy room.

11. Admit that it is really time to study. 

12. Thoroughly read and close-read the Introduction to the argument, not even to the argument itself yet.

13. Go on motivational kick, draw up an outline for a personal five step self-motivational plan.

14. Pointlessly write it all down on Tumblr. 

What, do you think I sit around and stare at a wall all day at work?

I do my fucking job. More than most people here. You could try giving me some credit.